What To Do If You Get Fired

Below is a post I made for the BHP Senior newsletter. Ccaggarawala told me to make a funny post piece about what to do if you got fired from your job, but I guess this was too funny for him, since it got vetoed by BHP staff. You may not get some of the references if you’re not in the BHP class of 2015, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

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It’s your first month on the job and you’re having a blast. Hundred hour weeks, piece of cake. The spreadsheets are practically filling themselves in, and oh man, the free food. You wish you had started working years ago. Definitely beats dozing through Poliodro’s management class, or whatever his name is. But then you get a email from your boss titled: We Need to Talk. Uh oh. Hopefully, this isn’t some new project where you’ll be staffed in Angola or Kansas or something. That would suck.

Still, it won’t be all bad, you suppose. At least you’d get to see the world. Maybe Kansas has some cool farms or some shit. You stroll over to your boss’s office, wondering how many years it’ll take until you have your own office. Not more than four, at the most. You’re going places. You take a seat across from your boss and ask him what’s up. Did you watch the game last night? He’s silent for a few seconds.

“Look, Kevin, I’ve been doing this a long time. It’s never an easy thing to say, but…”

You tilt your head to the side, quizzically. “But what?”

“But… unfortunately, we’re going to have to ask you leave. Times have been real tough, lately.”

You scratch your head. “So does this mean I get the day off?”

“No, Kevin, sorry if I was unclear the first time,” your boss responds. “You’re fired.”

You say the first thing that pops into your head: “You can’t fire me! I quit!”

Then you realize, by quitting you don’t get severance! Shit!

You head home dejected, head hanging low. You’re angry. You’re heartbroken. You’re devastated. You’re fired. Now what? Well look, Kevin, or whoever you are. It’s not the end of the world. Getting fired, sorry, getting laid off, opens up a whole new world of opportunities. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First things first, you need some money. Unemployment benefits, here you come!

Now that you have a steady stream of income, it’s time to pursue your dreams. You didn’t grow up wanting to be an investment banker. You hated it there anyway. That job was a cocoon, but now you’re a beautiful butterfly and you’re ready to spread your wings and fly. In fact, that’s the first thing you do. You’ve always wanted to see the world, so you book a ticket to Mexico City. First class, you deserve it.

Mexico City es muy divertido! Your Spanish is coming along well, you bought yourself an awesome sombrero, and you now have a glorious handlebar moustache to match. But your signing bonus is almost gone, so you book a flight back to los Estados Unidos, economy this time. You wish you had gotten that severance package. Just one more week here would have been so divertido.

They foreclosed on your place, since you didn’t pay rent while you were in Mexico. So you move back in with your parents. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The home-cooked food is sweet too, since you’ve had enough burritos to last a lifetime. But your parents start pestering you and pestering you, so you decide it’s time to start applying for jobs again. You were in the Business Honors Program back in college, so you have great resume. In no time, you’ve got a bunch of interviews lined up. It’s time to get back in the game, Kevin. You’ll probably be asked this, so just remember: you didn’t get fired. You quit.

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